Colleagues and scholars from coast to coast, across Bass Strait and all the ships at sea.
Dateline: Australia, Federal Politics 2011.
A crack team of investigative journalists has uncovered shocking revelations which show that the Gillard Government has hidden from the Australian public the fact that life as we know it will end.
These crack reporters - who have come from print, radio and television - have worked together tirelessly to unearth this explosive story.
The frightening reports are detailed below:
1. The story as published in these leading newspapers:
The Distortion, The Daily Deceiver, The Chronic Misleader and The Belligerent:
The Andromeda Galaxy, a killer galaxy consisting of one trillion stars, is hurtling towards our Milky Way Galaxy at an astonishing 400,000 kms per hour and is set to collide with the Milky Way in 3.5 billion years.
The Federal Labor Government has known about this imminent threat since it came to office in November 2007 and has been sitting on the information ever since.
It did not once raise the issue during its first year in office in 2008, instead distracting the electorate with other policy initiatives such as developing a response to the Global Financial Crisis.
Throughout its first term, the Labor Government continued to refuse to alert the public to this grave danger and neither in the changeover period from Kevin Rudd to Julia Gillard, nor during the 2010 Federal Election campaign did it make any attempt to come clean.
The illegitimate Gillard Government has continued with the deception until this day.
It was not until our reporters, using highly sophisticated techniques (which included turning on a computer and opening a science textbook) exposed the Government's disgraceful deceit.
Opposition Leader Tony Abbott says that this looming disaster is all the fault of Prime Minister Julia Gillard and the hopeless Labor Government.
"If it wasn't for the Gillard Government's monumental incompetence" said Mr. Abbott "we would not have to be dealing with this problem."
"This is clearly the result of a colossal policy failure which this dishonest Government tried to keep from the public, and we now ask what the Government is going to do about it?"
"Thanks to this reckless Government we are now headed for a galaxy crunch - a Gillard Government Great Galaxy Crunch."
"Everybody knows that only a Coalition Government can 'Stop the Galaxy'TM so we demand that Julia Gillard call an election now to let the people make me Prime Minister."
In a further disturbing revelation, there are sources who speculate that the Andromeda Galaxy may well arrive much sooner than previously thought.
Well-informed sources have disclosed that the collision could take place in under two billion years, giving the Government very little time to prepare the nation.
See our exclusive pictures of the impending doom below:
The Milky Way Galaxy. Our home, which the illegitimate Gillard Government has recklessly placed at risk:
The killer Andromeda Galaxy. Which only Tony Abbott and the Coalition will be able to stop to save us all:
What will happen if there's not a change of government now - the two galaxies are on a collision course:
How our home will be devastated as the Gillard Government's failings become all too clear:
2. The story as covered by the top rating radio station:
Radio 2BULL and its affiliates: 200BC, 3SFA, 4WTF, 5FFS, 6OMG, 7STFU, 8POQ & 9CRAP
News announcer: The illegitimate Gillard Government has again been exposed for the incompetents that they are with explosive revelations that our home will be devastated by a collision with a killer galaxy. News reports in today's papers have shown how the Government has sat on this information for four years and has kept the public in the dark for its own base political purposes. Opposition Leader Tony Abbott has said it's just more evidence of another enormous government bungle, and repeated his very reasonable call for another election so that we can make him Prime Minister.
Radio host: Well, well, well, did you hear the news report? We are going to be annihilated, thanks to this hopeless government.
A galaxy called Androgynous is coming towards us and will destroy everything. Everything! And what's this Government doing about it? Nothing! Nothing!
You know they've known about this for four years and said nothing! Nothing!
How long can this continue? More waste, more mismanagement, more cover ups, more incompetence, more recklessness and on it goes. And what's our so-called Prime Minister doing? Nothing! Probably still waiting outside a shed!
They're calling it the "Gillard Government's Great Galaxy Crunch Crisis". Just one more crisis in a long line of crises.
Let me tell you what is in the papers: this galaxy, Andronicus, has over one trillion stars, one trillion! About the same as this Government's debt! Ha! Ha!.....Imagine that!
Anyway, this galaxy has over one trillion stars and is racing towards us at 400,000 kms an hour! 400,000 kms an hour!
Just understand this: if you drive your car very fast, you can travel at about 110 kms an hour - more if you want to break the law - and this galaxy, Andrologist, will be travelling much faster than that! Much faster!
Something else I noticed at the end of the excellent news reports in today's papers - I mean, there's sure to be a cabinet full of Walkley awards coming from this fine work - according to informed sources, this galaxy, Andrea Bocelli, could well be here a lot sooner than we expect.....a lot sooner!
And this Government is asleep at the wheel! Asleep!
You should see the photographs. Just shocking! Just terrible! Just shocking!
But I picked up something much more disturbing - much worse than what's in the news reports:
The paper said this galaxy, Andrew Demetriou, will arrive in about 3.5 billion years, maybe even sooner, as I've just mentioned. But think about this: these predictions only have to be out by one word, that's right, just one word, and it could be a lot worse than is being predicted. And that word is "billion". Yes, you heard me, take out that one word "billion" and it means that this galaxy will be here in 3.5 years. Yes, in the summer of 2014-15!!
So while we're all on holidays, enjoying the fruits of our labour - now that's L-A-B-O-U-R not L-A-B-O-R, Ha! Ha! Ha!- this galaxy, Andre the Giant, will be slamming into us, with this Government, no doubt, hoping we won't notice. And, very suspiciously, well after the next federal election.
What can you say? My goodness! What can you say? The killer galaxy Odometer is coming and this incompetent, worthless, feckless, irresponsible and illegitimate Gillard Government sits idly by and does nothing! Nothing!
We need a Royal Commission! Yes, that's what we need, a Royal Commission! It's the only way to get to the bottom of this mess.
And we need a fresh election now so we can make Tony Abbott the Prime Minister, because he will implement policies that will 'Stop the Galaxy'TM and save us from this disaster and from this disastrous government!
We'll take some calls shortly; it's twenty past the hour.
3. The story as covered by top rating TV news:
NATIONAL NIGHTLY NOTHING NETWORK NEWS ON CHANNEL-ZZZ
Voiceover: Tonight, on National Nightly Nothing Network News, the Gillard Government's Great Galaxy Crunch Crisis. How the Gillard Government has covered up the looming disaster of a great killer galaxy. A galaxy that's about to destroy us.
This is the report they didn't want you to see.
Newsreader: The Gillard Government is responsible for yet another great debacle and this time all our lives are in peril. It has been a day of high drama with now irresistible and deafening calls for a Royal Commission and a fresh election.
The great galaxy of Andromeda, a massive killer galaxy of one trillion stars, is heading towards our Milky Way Galaxy at an incredible 400,000 kms per hour. The Labor Government has known about this since the Rudd Government was elected in November 2007 and has tried to keep it from the public. Luckily for you, we have uncovered the truth and are bringing it to you now - live!
This is how the collision will look, and a warning; this footage might shock some viewers:
Andromeda collision with Milky Way see here:
We have reporters standing by in various important locations to bring us the latest.
First to our reporter at Observatory Hill in Sydney, tell us what you can see. Can you see the galaxy coming?
Reporter: I've been straining hard to see where the galaxy is and I'm looking around for a bench to stand on to see if I can get a better look, and I've also eaten a bagful of carrots. I reckon I can see it, but I'm told that it's not easy to see from the southern hemisphere.
Newsreader: Does that mean that the southern hemisphere will be safe when the galaxy collides?
Reporter: Well, let's hope so, for all our sakes.
Newsreader: Have you been able to find any astronomers to talk to?
Reporter: Yes. I've spoken to several, but none of them thought it was anything to be worried about. One even said - and these were his exact words "You've got to be joking!" So no seriousness at all from our taxpayer funded scientists.
Newsreader: Good on you. Keep at it, and we'll return to you later in the bulletin to see how much closer the galaxy has approached.
Now we will cross live to our US Correspondent at NASA headquarters in Washington DC. What's the latest?
US Correspondent: It is early morning here and I have been looking up at the sky for sometime and I'm certain that not only can I see the killer galaxy but it is definitely getting closer as we speak, and I believe it is picking up speed.
Newsreader: You can see that? We can confirm that then?
US Correspondent: Without any doubt. I can confirm that.
Newsreader: Any experts that would speak on the record?
US Correspondent: No, I couldn't get anyone to talk to me. All asleep in their beds, I figure. More wasted taxpayer dollars.
Newsreader: Well, you keep up the good work and report back to us if you see the killer galaxy moving even more quickly.
Now we will cross live to our reporter standing by in Wodonga outside the head office of Mars Chocolate Australia, manufacturers of Milky Way, to see whether they've had any comment to make. What's the latest?
Reporter (Wodonga): No one here has any idea about the destruction of the Milky Way. They said Milky Way is just a chocolate bar, which is actually made in Ballarat.
Newsreader: Did they have any comment to make about the killer galaxy?
Reporter (Wodonga): No, everyone has been very tight lipped. No one has confirmed any of it. They said talk to Ballarat.
Newsreader: Well, luckily for you viewers, we have a reporter standing by in Ballarat and we will cross live to them now. What's the latest?
Reporter (Ballarat): No one here will confirm anything either. They also said that Milky Way is just a chocolate bar and that they don't know anything about a killer galaxy, so it looks like they've got their stories straight. They told us to talk to Wodonga. It seems they were forewarned.
Newsreader: Hmmmm. It sure seems that way. Well, thanks for your report and we might cross back to you later to get the very latest.
Rest assured viewers we will be following this story very closely and will bring you all the details whenever anything new emerges.
Next, after the break: Paris Hilton's latest adventures, how to get more miles out of your shoes and a cat that swallowed the canary - stay tuned.
Epilogue:
The terrifying reports detailed above show all too clearly that once again the Gillard Government's incompetence is on display.
Our intrepid reporters have uncovered the truth about the extreme danger we face and, crucially, that this Labor Government has known about it since coming to office in 2007 yet refused to alert the public or acted to do anything about it.
Such recklessness; such negligence; such a colossal disregard for public duty - is it any wonder there is a chorus of calls for a new election?
Make no mistake we will continue to pursue this matter on your behalf, using all resources at our disposal, to get you the answers that you deserve.
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