Colleagues and scholars from coast to coast, across Bass Strait and all the ships at sea.
Dateline: Australia, Federal Politics 2011.
An in-depth investigation examining the reaction to the carbon tax by the natural world was undertaken by a team of hand picked reporters from across three types of media - print, radio and television - and found that many members of the natural world (which the carbon tax is supposed to help the most) are up in revolt about the tax.
This team of investigative reporters was carefully selected from the top rating Radio 2BS and its affiliate Radio 200BC; the newspapers - The Distortion, The Daily Deceiver, The Chronic Misleader and The Belligerent; the top rating National Nightly Nothing News; and included a trio of crack current affairs reporters, Ms. Represent, Ms. Inform and Ms. Construe.
We wanted to find out what was really going on out there in flora and fauna struggle street.
What they uncovered was unbelievable; and when these reporters say something is unbelievable, believe us, they know what they are talking about.
Below is a series of eight special reports that clearly show a seething natural world.
1. Elements Revolt Over Carbon Tax
There is open conflict breaking out on the periodic table of the elements.
Hydrogen, always considered to be the number one element on the periodic table, has felt slighted by all this attention given to carbon.
"Carbon is only number six on the periodic table! Number six! Why all this fuss over a lower level element? Carbon is nothing but a friggin' show pony."
“Where was carbon when the universe was being formed? Huh? Nowhere! Waiting for me and my good mate helium to do all the work."
"This 'Johnny come lately' has no right to the star status it receives. It's favouritism from the Government and we will not stand for it!"
"Tony Abbott told us there is a carbon conspiracy going on, and it's very clear he is absolutely right."
"I tell you, if this continues I may well lose my temper, and when I do, well..... you've heard about the hydrogen bomb! Look out! Boom! (notice how there is no carbon bomb)"
Another element said to be fuming about all the attention given to the element carbon, is the element oxygen.
"Why all this attention given to carbon regarding carbon dioxide? There are two oxygen atoms for every carbon atom in carbon dioxide, so why all the focus on carbon? What's so special about it? Carbon dioxide would not exist without oxygen. It's favouritism, pure and simple."
The heaviest natural element, uranium, is also most unhappy with the attention given to carbon, suggesting it is a cruel and unfriendly atom and undeserving of the fame.
"Every time carbon sees me it tells me to go on 'the biggest loser' and makes fun about my heavy atomic weight. Just 'cause it's a skinny arsed element doesn't give it the right to be nasty."
Additionally, all the human made elements, led by plutonium, have made it known that carbon has more than once suggested that they "go back to where they came from" and "we don't want your kind here" cruelly claiming the periodic table should only allow naturally occurring elements and those of "our own kind" and not these "frauds".
It is abundantly clear that all is not well amongst the elements, thanks to the carbon tax. Since the dawn of time there was a natural order that everyone followed; now, that is under threat.
2. Kangaroos Kick Carbon Kookiness
This concerned representative of the macropod family told our correspondent:
"Tctsk, tctsk, tctsk, tctsk, tctsk......tctsk, tctsk, tctsk, tctsk, tctsk, tctsk, tctsk, tctsk.......tctsk, tctsk, tctsk, tctsk, tctsk, tctsk, tctsk, tctsk, tctsk, tctsk"
"When Tony Abbott came here last week, he told us that the carbon tax would stop the grass growing so there would be little food to eat; that the tax would not allow us to bound along as we had been used to doing without restriction; that we wouldn't be allowed to lie down in the sun; and that there would be a limit on how long we could grow our tails."
"Well, bugger that for a joke! We're against this tax wholeheartedly!"
"We had no idea that the tax was going to cause us so much trouble, but we were glad that Tony has set us straight."
"There'll be no bounce from us for Julia Gillard."
3. Reptiles Rip Into Ridiculous Carbon Rubbish
This livid reptile told our correspondent:
"We are very angry about this carbon tax. Tony Abbott was here yesterday and he told us that the carbon tax will not allow any reptiles to hibernate in winter anymore, that means no more torpor; that all snakes will have to keep the skin they are born with for their entire lives, which means no more sloughing; and that dislocating your jaw to swallow large forms of prey whole will no longer be allowed."
"Well, how can any self respecting reptile be supportive of that? We will fight for our right to sleep, slough and swallow!"
"We have roamed this planet for 230 million years and no fancy-pants university trained elitists, who have no idea what it is to be a reptile, are going to tell us how we can live our lives."
"Even an asteroid collision 65 million years ago could not stop us, and nor will this tax."
4. Birds: An Avalanche of Avian Anger
The birdlife of Australia is particularly angry about the Gillard Government's carbon tax.
This unimpressed kookaburra, sitting in an old gum tree, told our correspondent the following:
Which translates as:
"Tony Abbott made a special visit here to tell us all about the looming danger of the carbon tax. He said there will be less food for everyone; that we will have to fight harder amongst ourselves to mark out territories; that the shell thickness of our eggs will be thinner; that our feathers will fall out when we fly; that our beaks will spin around to the back of our heads if we turn too quickly to look behind us; and, worst of all, that people will keep spreading the humiliating rumour that we are descended from dinosaurs."
"We didn't realise what a disaster this tax would be on our happy and simple way of life. We thought the Greens were supposed to be interested in the environment but, from what Tony tells us, that is not right at all, they are just mere imposters."
"The whole bird population is against this tax; every flock across the nation. Especially the flock of seagulls, who recommended that we run so far away from this tax - detailed in this special report here:"
"You can't count on our support, Julia Gillard, we are very angry."
5. Fish Launch "Piscean Revolt"
The fish of our oceans are particularly unhappy about the proposed carbon tax. This irate sharp-toothed specimen told our correspondent:
"Tony Abbott had a chat to us while swimming recently and he made it clear that the carbon tax will not allow us to swim around in schools anymore and that we would have to swim on our own without any of our friends."
"He said the ocean currents that we are used to following every season will cease operating and that we will have to swim everywhere from now on with no direction or assistance."
"He also told us that our scales would stop growing, that our fins would not allow us to navigate properly and that our gills will continually clog up."
"Well, not a chance! We won't accept that for a moment! He urged us to start a "Piscean Revolt" and that's exactly what we intend to do."
6. Eucalypts Critical Of Carbon Catastrophe - A Druid Exclusive
Eucalyptus trees right around the nation are particularly unhappy about the proposed carbon tax.
Our special Druid correspondent explained how the trees were feeling:
"Tony Abbott told the forests last month that this carbon tax was going to remove large amounts of carbon from the atmosphere, which annoyed the trees enormously. How are they expected to grow with less amounts of carbon dioxide being produced?"
"Tony told them that their limbs will not grow as large, that their root systems will be compromised and that they will have a much lower capacity to grow leaves."
"Trees thrive on carbon emissions and fewer emissions will, without any question, greatly reduce the standard of living for these trees."
"Julia Gillard cannot count on any support from the forests or the woodlands. They will oppose the carbon tax, as it is life and death for them."
7. Fungi: Nothing Amusing About Carbon Tax
The entire fungi colony of Australia is opposed to the Gillard Government's proposed carbon tax.
"There is no way we can support this tax. Tony Abbott told us, while riding his bike along a national park track, that the forest floor would become devoid of any nice places for us to grow, thanks to the carbon tax."
"He said that the tax would influence every aspect of our sheltered lives and that we would no longer be able to grow quietly in our time and at our own pace."
"He told us that the many versions of us that like to grow in little community clusters will no longer be able to; that we will require a permit to grow in national parks; and, in a massive shock, he said the proposed carbon bill had an amendment which directed that the prefix "un" be added to our species name."
"So how about that? We were always known as "fungi", now we will be known as "unfungi", what a bummer man!"
"We can only survive in a fungi friendly environment and a Government that doesn't respect that will not receive our support. We will fight this change to our way of life with all the reserves of B12 we can muster."
"The Prime Minister is just treating us, dare we say, like mushrooms by not explaining the true implications of the tax. Thankfully, Tony has set us right."
8. Rocks Rage Against Carbon Tax
For the first time in the history of the Earth, the three geological formations - igneous, sedimentary and metamorphic - are united, and what has brought them together is their opposition to the carbon tax.
They all fear that the rock cycle of life (depicted above) will end for all time if the carbon tax is introduced.
"Tony Abbott addressed our geological gathering, while abseiling down a cliff-face, and he made it very clear that the carbon tax will end our ability to ply our rock forming trade."
"No more volcanic activity for igneous, no more placing down of layers for sedimentary, and, he said, because there will be no more ability for any rock to change (which has always been a petrotic right) it would totally wipe metamorphic off the map."
"Billions of years have passed and no-one has bothered us, we just went about our business, but now these clowns in Canberra are going to stuff it all up."
"This is a historic moment. We three have never been able to agree on anything, but today, following Tony's thoughtful address, we are implacably opposed to the tax."
"The rock rage has been unleashed."
An Unmitigated Natural Disaster
Well, the jury is in and the verdict is clear - the natural world is totally opposed to the carbon tax.
Despite the carbon tax being ostensibly about trying to protect the environment, those who live in the natural world and have been doing so for generations are not at all convinced by this new proposal.
In fact, they are positively hostile.
All were very grateful that Tony Abbott had made the effort to personally visit and set them straight about what the tax truly means for them and their families.
Not only were macropods, reptiles, birds, fish, trees, fungi and rocks all mightily unimpressed by the Government's proposal, but we have every reason to fear that the undue focus of the Government on the element of carbon could well result in the explosion of a hydrogen bomb.
Our in-depth investigations have proven without any shadow of a doubt that the carbon tax will be an unmitigated natural disaster.