Dateline: United States, February 2017.
The 45th President of the United States, Donald Trumple, has had an extraordinary life. Here's just a few of his true and wholly verifiable experiences.
"I know what happened at Hanging Rock."
"I was talking to Miranda and the other girls, you know, just telling them about my fetishes. Then I went to grope them. But as I lunged for them, the four of them scampered off up the path on the rock face never to be seen or heard of again."
"Didn't they know who I was? Nasty women."
"I was there in Dallas."
"I was there on the grassy knoll. I heard shots come from behind my head. I didn't see who it was. I was checking out the hooters on the Texas chick in front of me."
"I raised the flag on Iwo Jima."
"I'm a true American hero. I was up the hill at Iwo Jima and raised the flag with the other marines. Nearly missed it, 'cause I was chatting up the local Japanese talent."
"I was on top of the Reichstag with my Russian friends."
"Yes, I was there. Placing the Soviet flag on the top of the German Reichstag. Nearly missed this one, too...........those fraulines, man, they are something. Amazing what chocolate and some cigarettes can get you!"
"Saw this hombre on a walk in the forest."
"This is a snapshot I took of a pretty hairy hombre walking through the forest. Called out to him, but he didn't answer. Must've been an illegal, couldn't speak English. Come to think of it, probably was a broad. Check out those boobies."
"Loved this long-necked Scottish babe."
"Another snapshot of mine. Caught this Scottish babe when I was swimming. See how she's got no clothes on? Great place Scotland. No wonder the men wear nothing under their dresses."
"I was at Area 51 in Roswell"
"Yeh, I was in New Mexico, looking out for illegals, when this flying saucer crashed into the desert. I thought: Oh man! Those Mexicans are sneaky. We're gonna have to build that wall damn high!"
"I faked the moon landing."
"The moon has never been landed on. I faked it in my garage. That's me in the spacesuit. Fake! Fake! Fake! I know fake news, because I invented it. You can't bullshit a bullshitter. But boy, do the girls go for astronauts. Ignition, blast off!"
"I've eaten burgers with Elvis."
"Elvis is alive and well. I had a burger with him last weekend. He and I get together all the time and party with his groupies. Love to grope the groupies."
"My two greatest business decisions."
"Another business decision that I've been associated with is this campaign from Australia"
"But I wasn't involved in that one. Even I'm not that stupid. You might want to talk to this guy"
"I had a singing career."
"This is me."
"I'm on the left in this shot."
"Part of this group, too. I'm the fella up the front."
"The groupies! Oh Man! The groupies!"
"I was a great athlete, too."
"This is me standing in the ring"
"In the pool"
"On the tennis court"
"On the golf course"
"Chicks dig athletes!"
So there you have it. President Donald Trumple has had a full and interesting life.
All of it true and verifiable.
I'm sure there'll be those naysayers in the press, the Democratic Party and just about anyone else who has more than three neurons firing in their brain who will dispute these truths and present alternative facts - but we know better.
President Trumple is a great man.
What can one say? Truly? What can one bloody well say?
Note: Satirising the 45th President of the United States is not easy. He self-satirises. Nevertheless, I thought I'd take a shot. Hope one or two of these sketches gave you a smile.